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The Cack Gaming Awards 2008

Written by Sherlock on Tuesday, 23 December 200813 Comments

In a land full of such great gaming titles, there’s only room for so many good ones.  That’s where I come in.

What, you thought I was going laud the greatest games of 2008?  Good lord, everyone always does that.  What’s the fun in giving things praise, anyway, its the Fesitivus holidays!

No, this post brings pride to those who mailed in 2008 in spectacularly awful fashion, the ones who went above and beyond the call of duty to bring us games we didn’t even think of buying, and if we did, we sent it back faster than a missile could’ve launched it to the moon.

And so, fellow Wiitalkers, let us join together in celebration of the worst of the worse for 2008.  Categories made up by me because, after all, I wrote the article, and simple categories like “Worst multiplayer game” just wouldn’t have made for good comedy.  Just for the record, these games didn’t necessarily have to be released in 2008.

Most Pointless Game That Actually Sold

Why do people continually buy some games? One must wonder. This game was in Amazon.com’s gold box deal for 3 hours. Most games sell out of the gold box on deep discount in a matter of minutes. This game didn’t sell out in its allotted time. But it sold.  And I don’t know why.

How do you peddle crap?  Sing It.  Because no one else wants to.

How do you peddle crap? Sing It. Because no one else wants to.

Enter Disney Sing It. It’s like a karaoke game for three year olds. It’s like Guitar Hero: World Tour only without anything but a microphone and only Disney music to peddle their made-up bands. Oh I’m sorry, we all like the Jonas Brothers and think they’re the next best pop sensation. I haven’t seen this kind talent since Ashlee Simpson.

I’m sure this game is great for kids.  But charging as much as they do for it in this economy?  Only Disney could get away with it.

Fortunately, they didn’t get away with it.  Because its still on the shelves, despite the best efforts of soccer moms to please their children.

I don’t recommend Guitar Hero often, because I’m not a fan, but seriously, if your kid wants this game, buy them Guitar Hero.  Your kid will thank you when friends actually want to come over.

For the record, three customers gave it a sound review on Amazon, none of which were of reading age yet.

The “Did This Game Actually Exist” Award

I like redneck comedy.  I’m an American, after all.  But the show “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” sticks in my craw sometimes.  It really makes Americans look pretty dumb.  Exhibit A: Kelly Pickler.

Technically, if you count the EU, Europe is a country.

Oh god, I just defended Kelly Pickler. Am I sure I didn’t actually buy this game?

*checks cabinet*

Phew.

How many polygons does it take to make you feel stupid?

How many polygons does it take to make you feel stupid?

You know the only thing dumber than a game show that makes people look stupid because they can’t answer questions they probably haven’t had to answer for 20 years?  A video game that makes you do the same thing.

As if you don’t feel dumb enough, for only £20 you can feel dumber.  And look at horribly rendered graphics.  And then feel even dumber because you just spent £20 on this game.

I hope for your sake your child can forgive you if he/she opens the present and finds this gem under the wrapping paper.  Happy Festivus!  Good luck living down this gift in the next 5 years.

The “You Screwed It Up” Award

You ever pick up a game that you really thought would work out well and after a few minutes playing, blurt out “you screwed it up” along with some select 4 letter words?

Sonic Unleashed is that game.

Great look day scenes no where to be found!

Great looking day scenes no where to be found!

The little blue guy has warmed our hearts with his speed and agility for years.  This title had a highly anticipated new twist, where sonic becomes evil after the sun goes down, or something, and becomes-GASP-A “WEREHOG” or something.  Except, Sonic becomes slow and cumbersome then.  Which takes out the entire point of every Sonic game ever made.

Reviews seem to indicate the day scenes are the best part of the game.  Shocker.  Except, the day scenes last for only one third of the game.  Joy.

Sometimes you just overthink something.  Like when you’re going in for a job interview and you think someone needs to know your life story when in reality all they need is your resume’ and why you want to work for them.  Then you blow the interview and go home thinking “I screwed that up.”

Sonic, you poor, poor blue hedgehog.  We love you, we really do.  Just, stick to being a hedgehog and not some sort of slow beast of burden.  You’re born to run.  Memo to game developers: don’t ever slow him down again.

Honorable mention:  Need for Speed: Undercover.  If the game didn’t last 5 minutes, I would’ve bought it, right away.

The “Last Man Standing” Award

Sometimes, you’re successful by default.  You’re in second place in a race when the leader takes an illegal shortcut and gets black flagged, so you win.  The leader of the marathon takes the subway for three fourths of the race and you’re declared the winner.  Your rival for a hot chick turns out to have herpes.  Default victories are still victories, except, you didn’t win, you just didn’t lose.

Quantum of Solace fits the gap between Medal of Honor: Heroes 2 and Call of Duty 5.  Hence, it didn’t lose. But did it win?

A Quantum of Solace until COD5 came out.

A Quantum of Solace until COD5 came out.

“There was a time when James Bond and a Nintendo console went hand in hand. Needless to say, those days are long over, as evidenced by the Wii version of Quantum of Solace, which takes a pretty decent game that appeared on other consoles, and just practically slaughters everything about it.”

Oh.  Guess not.

Now that COD5 is out, everyone run along and forget you ever bought this one.  Go on.  You can do it.

Congrats on not losing.  Really, it took hard work and dedication to put out a cack game and have it be successful.  All you had to do was look at a calendar and decide when an FPS drought was on the horizon.

Say, maybe we can find a drought to put the movie in, too…

Worst Game of the Year

Here comes the coveted worst overall game of the year title.  It took skill to create a game this miserable.

Two reviews on Amazon had these notable quotes describing the amazing gaming experience:

“There appears to be no rhyme or reason for the competitions and judging. The plating of the food, for example…vague at best.”

“The judges just repeat themselves”

What's with the sausages?

What's with the sausages?

“One of the worst games that I have played for the wii.”

Doesn’t that make you want to grab your keys and run out your door to buy Iron Chef America: Supreme Cuisine RIGHT NOW?!?!?!

Just think: you and your friends can square off with three supreme chefs in an amazingly vague cooking battle day after day.  You, too, can have your digital food judged the same, no matter what you cook, and lose to your friends for no good reason!  Hours of enjoyment!

Be careful not to throw your Wii out the window in excitement.

So if you receive any of these games on Christmas morning, remember: smile politely and ask for a gift receipt.  And remember, friends don’t let friends play cack games.

13 Comments »

  • Mark said:

    Nice long blog.
    Good read

  • FooFan said:

    Very good sherls!
    Enjoyed reading that, nice list ;)
    I think it’s fair to say every console had it’s share of rubbish this year.. and every year!
    Disappointed to see Wii Chess didn’t make the list as I thought that wasn’t just a flawed game, it was a totally flawed concept!

  • Sherlock (author) said:

    There are a lot of other games that could’ve made the list, really. I could’ve gone on forever. But, for everyone’s sake, keeping it this short was probably best.

  • red40 said:

    a good read thank god for game exchange shops

  • Joe said:

    So I think they should come out with a Wii-Star. baha!
    It should be a bunch of NEW songs, guy and girl songs. Meaning Rap, Country, R&B, Pop.
    Like Every level or world is a genre of music and you gotta beat it.
    Pretty sure EVERYONE would buy it!
    Because Yes, Rock band is cool, but its too rocky. We need something that touches on all our favourite tunes.
    Just an idea.
    I’ll buy 15 copies if I have to, just so that you’ll make it WII!
    Your first 15 copies Ill buy. Ill even help creat it. Ill do a HUGE survey, choosing what songs people want to see on this game :) .
    Does everyone agree?

  • Armaniiiii said:

    I agree with Joe… why isn’t there a Sing Star for Wii? (or is there and I missed it?)

  • PsyCrow said:

    My 6 year old daughter got Disney Sing it for Xmas (not from me but my mother in law) and she loves it. But then again she loves anything that includes Hannah Montana, Camp Rock or High School Musical. I think it terrible, luckily the microphone has come in handy for Guitar Hero: World tour.

  • 100000 said:

    100000 beers on the wall. sck was here

  • black cat figurines said:

    “I gave an order to a cat, and the cat gave it to its tail” - Chinese Proverb

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    Don’t mix business with pleasure.

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    My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn. ~Louis Adamic

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